Family Over Everything
When I realized Mommy was dying, I panicked.
I instantly felt alone and orphaned. I resented Grandpa for leaving us to fend for ourselves, after sheltering us for the last 20 years, when he transitioned in December 2010. And I couldn’t fathom being left like that again… I spiraled out and started mourning her before she transitioned.
I’ve made hopeless attempts throughout my life to create the family I’ve always wanted. Desperate to outrun my abandonment issues. And while my intent was never to hurt anyone, I did. I wanted to feel safe and loved. I wanted to feel cared for. I didn’t want to be as alone and lonely as I felt. Initially I blurred these pictures, not because I love them any less but because I respect them more now. I still consider some family, others I love and wish them well from a distance.
I’ve been reflecting a lot about family and what that means to me. I have a better understanding of how so many of my relationships have ended because I pushed people away when they got too close. Often sabotaging the relationship before I can be hurt by the other(s). I recognize now that all of this has been counterproductive and I’ve experienced many broken hearted moments because of this approach.
As I see the life slowly draining from Mommy day in and day out, the spiral out only gets worse.
What am I going to do now that my family is gone?
Where can I run to when I don’t feel safe?
Who will take care of me when I’m sick.?
How will I survive now?
These are just some of the questions that overwhelmed me, causing me to do one of the worst things I could’ve done at that time… I tried to force a sense a family in trying to fill the void before it was empty.
While I regret very few actions in my pursuit of family and home, I recognize the damage caused and do apologize for hurting people along the way.
“We all desire to be loved and cared for, it’s the driving force behind most of our actions.”
Riddle me this:
How far have you been willing to go to feel the love you DIDN’T know how to give to yourself?
Do you know how to love yourself and meet your own needs?
WHAT IS THE GREATEST CHALLENGE YOU FACE IN TRYING TO MEET YOUR NEEDS?
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