The Most Valuable Lesson My Mama Never Taught Me...
Mama. Mom. Mommy. Regina. Gina. Gigi.
The woman who gave me life and who I live for today. It’s been exactly one year now since she transitioned home, and I’ve had to learn the hardest and most valuable lesson she never had the chance to teach me herself: how to live without her.
Then again…I guess she did.
Reflecting over our often estranged and complicated relationship, I realize that as much as she wanted me, my mother had absolutely no idea how to take care of me. And for the longest time I resented her for it. Hell, I hated her for bringing me into this world of chaos and not having a plan for us. I felt unwanted because dad was nowhere to be found/unknown. At some point, I grew up a little and finally saw Mommy as a person. At that point, I felt sad for her once I fully understood that she and I never really stood a chance. Yet and still we’ve lived longer than most statistics say we should’ve. Believe me when I say, that today I feel nothing but pride and joy when I think of her and the legacy I am living in her honor and memory.
Lately, I find myself staring at my inner child when I look in the mirror. I mean she’s always present, but Lil Bit been showing her lil ass here lately. Procrastination is through the roof. My physical health is subpar at best. Not to mention, I moved back to my childhood neighborhood recently and a lot of feelings + memories have flooded back to me that I thought were lost.
Never in my dreams would I have believed you if you told 6yo me that me and Mommy would go years at a time without speaking. That both of us would struggle with addiction and mental illness. That I would almost completely give up on my own dreams to try to save Mommy. That ultimately, me following my dreams is what saved us both.
Originally written: September 10, 2021.
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