From a very early age I’ve been fascinated by street culture, specifically how it revolved (mostly) around selling the promise of escape to the hurting, the lost, and the oppressed through drugs and sex. Playas, Macks, Gangstas, Dancers, Tricks, and Pros…they all seemed to call to me. Whether on the screen, between the pages of a book, or in real life, I was curious and impressed with how they were able to get paid by making unfathomable circumstances work for them. Consequences and risks be damned.
I also took note of cases where, in seeing the harm they caused, they would find ways to be of service. To do good in the hood. This in no way absolves them of causing harm, yet I recognized what I saw in myself: a person who feels ashamed or pain about something and will do all they can to try to fix it.
“Every villain is a hero to somebody.” - Iisha Wesley
In my 30’s now, and working with young people, I’ve recognized that I’m a kid who grew up in a digital world very similar to them. Yup. I was glued to a screen throughout most of my childhood too. Growing up I balanced watching my favorite shows on PBS, Disney, Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network with playing video games, reading books by Ice Berg Slim, Sister Soulja, & Teri Woods, watching fine ass Pam Grier as Foxy Brown, and discovering the world outside of my room. Not to mention, the copious amount of late nights watching HBO and Skinamax, I mean Cinemax.
[thought bubble emoji on app.] I’m starting to wonder if the chronic insomnia I’ve experienced most of my life, is more of a lifestyle choice?
Looking back, it was always the grittiest, rawest stories that were my favorite as a kid and even now. I remember having a copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales that was dark and twisted, and definitely taught me early the message of “necessary” aggression and/or violence to get your way or to survive. Which are often seen as the same thing. Yet, I was also drawn to the worlds and works of Malcolm X, Maya Angelou, The Black Panther Party, and Toni Morrison who had a knack for delivering messages of self preservation in a very raw and authentic way that have transcended generations.
“If you’re not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.”
It didn’t take long before I became very comfortable with isolation. By the time I reached middle school I had stopped reading as much because academics and my desire for financial independence took precedent and I no longer found joy in it. So, I let the screens raise me as Mommy (GiGi) struggled with mental illness and substance use, and Grandpa (Reggie) worked multiple jobs in his retirement to ensure we kept a roof over our heads and never felt like we were lacking.
At the age of 10, I was given a MacBook to carry with me throughout middle school, at Harshman, as a part of a pilot program. By the time I was a freshman in high school, at Tech, I had convinced my Grandpa to get me a full corner desk suite that included a desk top computer with a CD burner and a printer. Did I mention this was in our living room?
[thought bubble emoji on app.] I’m so mad I don’t have pictures. That’s another story for another time though.
I didn’t even get into how many times I stayed with a new phone or other gadget because I just had to have the latest in tech that nobody else around me had. I’m recognizing now the dangers of excessive screen time, and just how privileged I was growing up.
Sources of Inspiration and Reference:
Screen Time Addiction in Adults Linked to Psychological Distress
Now, I started this piece to discuss how life aint easy, yet it’s simple. We know, and can see that life aint easy. There’s the ongoing violence against unarmed citizens due to the conflict between Israel and Hamas, the US government continues to fail the American People with pseudo democracy while sticking it’s nose where it doesn’t belong, we’re in the middle of multiple public health crises in the states, and bigotry is alive and well around the world.
Yet, with all this on my mental, plus trying to heal from intracranial hypertension and a CSF leak, I’m grateful to have (inner) peace in the midst of all this chaos. Throughout most of my life, issues with my health have taught me to lean into the simplicities of life, to stop trying to control everything and focus on doing my part.
So that’s exactly what I’m doing now. I know that better days are ahead of me, ahead of us, because I’m actively creating and working towards them every chance I get. One of the spaces that I’ve created to help us get closer to those better days is GiGi’s CosPlaya’s Ball.
In all that I do, I create space for myself and others to be authentic, to be cared for, and to be at peace. This Ball is an ode to my Mommy, who always wanted to throw a Playa’s Ball for her bearthday or Halloween. She told me once, “I aint no hoe, yet I will do what I have to do for me and mine. Even if that means I gotta turn a couple tricks.”
While it pains me that she felt that’s what she had to do to get by, I have nothing but the utmost respect for her will and fight to live. So this, and every Halloween, is dedicated to celebrating those who have inspired me to include harm reduction and mentorship in my ministry. This event will raise awareness and funds annually for our youth mentorship program at MRCI that teaches young people about the spectrum of mental health and setting goals that will help them achieve a true state of wellness, while training and employing them for peer mentoring.
It wasn’t until recently that I fully realized the impact of what I have created. Not because of accolades or fame. It’s the pure joy I feel as I witness my students supporting one another and loved ones through difficulties and transitions. Them telling me that they’re proud of me, and I them, for finishing this semester strong. Turning our pain, our struggles into testimonies of purpose and seeing things through. All of this let’s me know that nothing I’ve been through has been in vain.
Because even though pimpin aint easy, my mackin aint lackin and I will always come out on top. And so will you.
[Edited: December 19, 2023]
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As long as I am blessed to be alive, I will be a blessing to others. Support MRCI. Support Me. Support My Business.
